I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
