I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
