Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
how does that bad decision feel?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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