Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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