Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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