i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
