I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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