yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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