I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
