Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
