What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
