At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
