So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
