why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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