I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
