I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
