i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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