i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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