I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
