Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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