Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
a search helicopter?!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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