i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
