To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
