if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
