And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
