Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
