I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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