Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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