I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
