Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
