ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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