You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
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Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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