Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
