Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy