i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?