Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
