Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
