I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
