Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
