please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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