I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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