theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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