mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize