I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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