He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
