Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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