Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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