Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
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Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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