The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You pole danced in your parka.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
