I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
