let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
