Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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