Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
