I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
