there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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