My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
what day is it and did you see me today?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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