I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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