i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
