twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
